Journey into Intimacy

I'm painting again. It's back to a more physical way of being - painting puts me in touch with my body, movement and physical expression and is a form of ecstasy and release. I paint to music, loud music and this also sets a mood, a tone, a feeling.

This new series of paintings begun on Monday, November 19th are a journey for me into intimacy. I am painting and writing together - the one engenders the other, not sure in what order.

This latest is titled "Arrow of Pain" and with it comes Realization. Going deeper, more intimate, more, more, more. What does it mean? Being scared, but of what? Facing all the pain that intimacy has engendered over the years, facing all the mistakes, the regrets, the paths taken. Going into and beyond the hurt to reach the other side. Going deeply into feeling, so deeply that one fears getting lost inside.

I face my alone-ness every day. Some days it hurts. Some days I can work through it. Today I paint through it because I feel the pain more acutely. We are always truly alone and it hurts.

Musical Inspiration: Paul Van Dyck, Bjork, Loreena McKennitt, Tori Amos, 80's pop.

Self-Destruct

The silk panels I'm painting on are getting larger - more ambitious? (Not really, it's just that the silk itself is bigger due to the mouse holes that had eaten away at my early panels!)

Today I start fresh with a mini hypnosis session lasting five - ten minutes (suggested in the book "The Seth Material" by Jane Roberts - channeled info). I repeat a specific statement over and over, letting it permeate my cells, programming myself for the day ahead.

First I start with gesso on silk, then breakfast, then paint.

Getting ready to self-destruct on canvas.

Self-Destruct - 4' x 4' - acrylic & pastel on silk

I feel so close to you.

"But I remember everything...beneath the stains of time you will disappear". From the song "Hurt" by Nine Inch Nails

Musical & Movie Inspiration: Nine Inch Nails - "The Downward Spiral", The Kinks, Robyn Hitchcock and Portishead. Plus the wonderfully gorgeous movie "Mirror Mask".

Being

I stretched out silk today and covered it with gesso - a first for me! The gesso-covered silk is ripply and parchment-ey. It's surface feels hardened and crackly, like leathery skin, but very white. I've never painted on a surface like this before, it's like entering unknown territory.

I also don't what I'm feeling anymore, so I paint an egg shape then I sit waiting, breathing, being.

But love, love calls (and sorrow) and all is as it should be.

"Everybody has come home...Our lives don't end" - lyrics from "Goin' Out" by Sarah Harmer.

Slowly, picking away at love...until nothing's left.

"Being" - acrylic and pastel on silk - 4' x 5' 

Musical Inspiration: Friends of mine: Liquoricegirl (Diane Barbarash) - "I Found You Under the Dogwood Tree", Kara Louisa - "I Wish", and Ontario girl Sarah Harmer - "You Were Here" and "I'm a Mountain".

Arrow of Pain

"Arrow of Pain" - acrylic & pastel on paper - 4'x5' 

I'm painting again. It's back to a more physical way of being - painting puts me in touch with my body, movement and physical expression and is a form of ecstasy and release. I paint to music, loud music and this also sets a mood, a tone, a feeling.

This new series of paintings begun on Monday, November 19th are a journey for me into intimacy. I am painting and writing together - the one engenders the other, not sure in what order.

This latest is titled "Arrow of Pain" and with it comes Realization. Going deeper, more intimate, more, more, more. What does it mean? Being scared, but of what? Facing all the pain that intimacy has engendered over the years, facing all the mistakes, the regrets, the paths taken. Going into and beyond the hurt to reach the other side. Going deeply into feeling, so deeply that one fears getting lost inside.

I face my alone-ness every day. Some days it hurts. Some days I can work through it. Today I paint through it because I feel the pain more acutely. We are always truly alone and it hurts.

Musical Inspiration: Paul Van Dyck, Bjork, Loreena McKennitt, Tori Amos, 80's pop.

Finding My Wings

"Finding My Wings" - acrylic & pastel on paper - 4' x 5'

Some quotes from my last Soul Reader blog post: "It feels like going out on a metaphorical limb or jumping off a cliff. It's exciting and very scary, but so is life and the challenge of living it fully.

So here I go...dear Goddess grant me wings!"

Today I think I found my wings, at least for today. I painted again after taking a hiatus of several months - but today it just came pouring out of me and I couldn't stop it - tears, pain and paint melding into one gorgeous painting experience four hours long and worth every hot second (whatever that means!)

My studio had been shut down as I had packed everything away ready for a move to San Francisco that never happened and today I unpacked it all, taped my watercolor sheets to the wall, primed them and set out my acrylics and pastels, inks, brushes, gutta and all the lovely assorted accoutrements that accompany a painting life.

I'm back in action again while the spirit moves me. Goddess thank you for today's wings - what kind of bird do you think I've painted? I'm not sure, but if you think you know please tell me!

By the way, the painting roughly measures five feet by four feet and consists of 3 large sheets of watercolor paper taped side by side.

Musical inspiration: Delerium, Prince, The White Stripes.